ohmigawd why?

This sucks a bunch. I'm answering phones all day at the office -- usually I'm phone backup, but the actual receptionist took today off to to get her colon videotaped (great party viewing! Only 19.95!), so I'm tied to the front of the building. This means that I am totally chained to the front desk, with no phone backup, which of course means that I keep having to pee, like a lot. And I can't go back to the bathroom, because then what if the phone rings?

A dilemma for the ages, I know.

Answering the phones and greeting people just also makes me nervous, since even though I've had a series of secretarial jobs all the way back to high school, I'm just not cut out to be a secretary, and especially not a receptionist. Oh, I can fake it for a while, but my personality is just not that sunny; I don't have the knack for connecting with everybody who calls or walks through the door the way those really great secretaries do.

I had a horrible job for two months in the fall of 2003, where in order to wrench out my inner receptionist, my boss called in a "director of first impressions" from another office. This woman had that perfect Texas hair (blonde, streaky, and unshakeable), weighed probably less than a hundred pounds, and had a dog named Cookie she carried around in a little pink flowered bag (when they weren't mouth-kissing). I almost cried when I saw her -- there was no way I could ever live up to that stereotype of Texas perfection.

She told me that I was "acting too smart," that I needed to "practice my giggle," that my hairflip (?) needed work. My coffee-getting skillz were abysmal, my smile was too small, my tone too dry. I couldn't adjust, and was let go within the month. The relief I felt -- oh my god. Do you know how hard it is to act stupid?

At least here, I get to hide from the view of the general public behind a weirdly slatted wall, so when I greet people they jump, surprised, then their eyes dart around suspiciously, looking for the source of the disembodied voice. So that's fun! Plus, I know how to answer the phone with a goddamned smile in my voice and crap, so it's not too bad.